September Sweater Weather

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, hello world. How are you? 

It's good to be writing on a good day off work today on a Saturday. Here, I'll jot down some notes on what I've been up to, plans, and things I'm looking forward to. 

First off, work has been good, steady, and doable. It's been about a year in now at this new job and its going well. I'm been reading a lot in between my shifts, jamming guitar with a heavy metal drummer, going for walks, eating well, and playing video games. I've got a lot to be thankful for, and I thank God for the life I'm living. 

The last book I read was a long slowburn of a read, Felix Gilbert's From 1890 to the Present, A European History, pretty amazing that a history book could span from 1890 to the present, but wow, that book really gives you a long overhaul and view of Europe from the years right before the First and Second World Wars, and the information is invaluable especially as an American for me, because, most of the information in that book is not taught in American grade school or high school, and only partially covered in college history courses, but not all, as not all college courses even will cover Europe, particularly Europe in all this much dense overdetailed information. A major criticism of the book online was that readers felt that Felix Gilbert didn't discredit and shame the Nazi's enough, and that he didn't explain with more inherent detail, why the German people were so willing to just commit Nazi atrocities and crimes against Jews, simply because they were told to do it, and they were readily and willing to do it, but it isn't really explained why with more full details. Well, why, then? Only the shadow knows. 

Moving on, now I'm reading a book about the history of France, a book entitled Revolutionary France 1770-1880, and this book is a lot more drier and more dense and facts based, despite being about a very revolutionary era of French government. Also, I'm reading Bram Stoker's 1897 modern novel Dracula, inspired by this current weather change and spooky Witching Season that we're currently thriving in, especially with this cold weather change. The change in temperature from 100 degree overheating at work to this 84-86 degree days, it's quite amazing. 

In addition, I've still been looking around at other jobs and seeing what's out there in my area, and it's not looking good. If you're not at a job currently it is very difficult to get in with a job anywhere. I had a job offer recently to a job closer to where I'm at, but circumstances being what they are, I'm not inclined to leave what I'm doing and try to start something new, given that there is a lot of uncertainty right now in the job market and the economy. I've been doing well, but I'm on a strong budget and I'm following my budget religiously, so its hard to want to try to dip out of a job that is going well, and try to do something different, even if it may be better in the long run. I'm saying, that jobwise, things are full of so much uncertainty, that even looking into working somewhere else might not be a good idea unless there is some massive benefit to working there. Like for example, in my case, this job offer I got is closer to my place, which is a massive benefit, but, even that being the case, I still have to stop and think about it for a long time, because everything is so much up in the air nowadays. 

Lastly, I can't end the rant without mentioning AI. LA and NY public schools decided to ban AI in the classrooms. This is good. Also recently, social media companies agreed to pay a massive fine and admitted that they have been treating kids wrong with allowing them too much social media use. These are good sociological things happening in the realverse. I do like AI and I do think more and more AI will take over and more and more we'll just be controlling the information it provides and goes with, like we'll be the AI's boss, and use the AI, but all important real decisions will be done by real people, and I notice that's the way its been going, even myself personally, using AI in the workplace. 

I use a lot of AI personally at work to look up products/donations and check what they're worth. I almost never go with what the AI prices the items, rather I think about it, check all the parameters, quality, condition, item type, etc, and then I make the ultimate decision over how much the item gets priced. But you can kind of see how even using it at this low level retail level, it gives you a lot of leverage over the amount of productivity in the work you do while using the AI. Obviously, I can do my job without using AI, all I'm doing is pricing donated items and reselling it, but using the AI allows me to have more control in my productivity, if I can figure out what an item's worth faster without thinking as much or as hard personally, then I have a tool which allows me to work a lot faster than I was able to before, last year, since before I started using AI at work. 

That's a lot to unpack there. But yeah, so it basically comes down to the fact that the low level retail personnel, the low level office worker, these are the basic employees running a business, working at a business, and they're using AI in a way that benefits their job workflow, and I do think this is the future of work using technology in America. In a way its an exciting time to live, breathe, and do work in America. On the other hand, you do tend to see a dehumanization of the worker in the workplace. If AI gets better at a much faster more exponential rate that it has been going in, this could spell disaster for more detailed tech work employees, workers, and bosses, because it could mean that lesser skilled and less tech skilled workers could outpace them, develop more, and become better much more skilled workers, armed only with AI, the willingness to learn new more advanced technology, and a curious mind. 

Note: Keep in mind that without the temperature changing to like 86 degrees here, I wouldn't even want to talk about AI, using it in the workplace, and the future of it in the workplace via newer smarter employees. If the temperatures kept hitting 100 degrees I would've been stuck kept to talking about barely surviving working with poor AC, and incoming blackouts, like what they had in Gary Indiana, which went underreported in most areas. Remember, this is still post-covid, and that means incoming cold, flu, and post-covid amongst young people. Get ready for Halloween.

Kickstart my heart

Howdy, everybody. Here I am back at it with another vlog-style post, life update sort of work. 

Work has been pretty intense. 40+ hours every week, sometimes only one day off. The holidays are here already. That's very scary for a retail worker like myself. I tried to request all the major holidays off. Not that I would actually get them off but I just had to try anyways for giggles. The pay is okay but not great. The work has become very boring. My only solace is that some of my coworkers are cool and some customers are cool. 

As a result of all this retail work experience, I've come to class consciousness. I'm not a full-on Marxist yet but you don't even need Marx and Engels to come to class consciousness. For that, all you need is struggle and contradiction [ironically also a part of Marxism sort of]. All this low-level grunt work forces you into action. You start to think about all the workers in their hierarchy. You see where you fit in and you come to realizations. Some good, some bad. Mostly bad. 

I'm this close to reading Adorno at this point. That's become my running joke lately: Retail work is so bad that it's forcing me to class consciousness. I don't really have as much time for my music, reading, or writing [that's why I haven't written book reviews for a while, forcing me to write these rants of the proletariat]. When you see how highly stratified American society is, and how the common man is treated, it forces you to wake up, to jump out of your small inner shell [my outsider musician shell], and look out into the world, and see for what it actually is. "If the doors of perception were completely cleansed, man would see the world for what it actually is." 

What do you do when you see this? Well, I'm not really sure there's anything I can do. That's just the way it is. It's possible that this entire society [America] is doomed, the government is corrupt to the core, and the environment along with wildlife is damned. Even if that was all true [I suspect it is honestly some days] is that all there is? 

"Is that all there is? If that's all there is, then let's go dancing."

Feelin' Alright

Ahoy shipmates, and welcome aboard. Lately, I've been writing vlog-style [lifestyle] posts so let's keep up in that fashion. The last two weeks I've been ranting a lot, a lot about hard work at the retail gig, Marxist theory, the stompin' upon the proletariat...blah blah blah. The truth is that within the last couple of weeks I've been feeling that work was becoming overwhelming. That the proletariat is being used and abused. Or something like that. 

I almost became a Marxist. That's one of my best jokes I've come up with recently. I was so fed up with working that I wanted to become a Marxist. Going so far as to consider spending my time reading more Marx and Engels, and Adorno, my music mentor's hero. I would say that I have a lot of Leftist influences and that my general political ideology is more aligned with that, rather than say, a pure form of straight capitalism, which we have seen now in 2019, no longer works. But that's an op-ed column for another day, wouldn't you say? 

So today rolls on by. I chilled with some friends and we did the same usual stuff. We played Smash Ultimate in three-player free for all, ate lunch, talked, and listened to some music on YouTube. I didn't take a Lyft from my friends' to work. Rather, I took the bus. The bus took about forty minutes because it was a slow bus on a Sunday, the laziest of all bus days. 

During the wait, I stood the entire time. I was mostly surveying the image of the valley canyons. I saw a customer who happened to be taking the bus and I told him how great the weather was, and how beautiful the valleys looked, and that we were lucky to live here. "Yeah, man, we're blessed." Being able to just stand around, enjoy the weather, and take in the scenery really calmed me down. It brought it all to me right there: dasein, time and being, the worldhood of the world. The important stuff I learned from Heidegger's Being and Time. Which one might say has to be experienced first before you even try to explain.

Long story short. Sometimes all it takes is a moment of self-reflection to realize how great life is, and how your impact on your world, community, etc, makes the world a better place if you will it, allow it, and make it so. "When you smile, the whole world smiles with you." It's actually true. The more upbeat and happy I am at work, the more people want to talk to me, and find out more about me. Likewise, the more gloomy I am, the fewer people want to talk to me. This goes back to a post I wrote some six months ago about how I had an epiphany about happiness, changing the way you think to attain this more often, regularly, etc. I'm no guru or anything. Rather, I am just a young grasshopper trying to attain enlightenment. 

One of the most liberating feelings in the world is being happy amongst others: family, friends, coworkers, customers, and managers. The other is being happy with yourself. Find the balance between the two and the universe seems to open up, engulfing you in a sea of happiness [or something like that lol].  "They call me mellow yellow...quite right."

It can be something simple like standing around, contemplating the canyons. Or it could be something more complicated like meditation. Whatever way you find it, when you find it, try not to lose it. However, if you do, remember you can always pick up where you last left off.  Even life has a pause button.

"When you smile, the whole world smiles with you."

A day in November

Keeping up to date with this vlog style posts I thought I'd write another update lifestyle piece. Life has been kind of grueling lately. I haven't had quite as much time for myself, friends, or music. This has left me with a lack of self-expression. What I have been getting in time for is my intellectual pursuits, reading, although my writing has slowed down quite a bit. 

I usually write a lot of book reviews but lately, I haven't had time to do them. So instead I've been doing these vlog pieces. My life isn't very interesting but I find solace in writing about it here. I have been able to find time for a lot of reading. In fact, I've been on a reading spree for the last couple of years, very intensely. 

I just finished reading The Outsider by Colin Wilson, the 1960s view into the outsider in literature, art, music, philosophy, in modern society as well. The book gave me a lot of insight into selfhood, and my own feelings, which are definitely outsider friendly. I feel like an outsider myself in most social situations, a painted bird if you will, but that's a tale for another post. 

Work has sort of been taking over. The more you work the more you can see why the ideas of the outsider are so important. "Escape from the weight of your corporate logo," as Frank Zappa said. The money is good but will it save my soul? Of course not. That's why reading, writing, music, and friendships are so important to me. The more I work ceaselessly, the more I crave to enter into selfhood, into self-reflection, and meditation. To escape into the self.  

This time of year I get these sorts of flashbacks from the Midwest. From my past. Most of it isn't very pleasant but the coldness is something that I enjoy. The cold weather, not the cold feelings that occasionally arise. The cold air in the valley, the brisk, hard winds, remind me of Chicago and Wauwatosa, a simpler time. When I think about the past I don't know what to make of it. I just can't seem to forget it. Perhaps a bit of melancholia? The neverending work doesn't help. It brings it out more.

I plan on spending more time on creative endeavors to get out of this funk. More guitar playing, keyboard playing, reading, writing, music listening. Hell, I might even play video games again or something just to do something different. I finished a novel about my life not too long ago. It took me over a year to write. And I do plan on writing a second novel as well. I plan on actually having an outline and mapping out this second fiction novel, unlike how I wrote the first one, a nonfiction story about my life, a memoir. I haven't done anything with it because I wasn't quite happy with it, and am unsure if it would ever be ready for the real world, let alone my friends or peers.

"There must be some kind of way out of here, said the Joker to the Thief."

Weekend Update

Greetings everyone! Thought I'd do a weekend update, unfortunately not SNL style, but rather a vlog style summary of what's been going on in my life. Alright, alright. 

I've been working a lot at the retail gig. Forty hours or more every week. This upcoming Halloween week I only have one day off. That's kind of a bummer. But if I learned anything from the first episode of Futurama, "you gotta do what you gotta do." I've found that at a job such as mine you really have to stay positive and keep a good attitude. This is where all my improvements in thinking [from literature] come to the rescue. 

I've stopped drinking soda and energy drinks at work. Now I'm not nearly as tired when I get off work at one am, nor am I as tired during the beginning or middle of my shifts. Overall, I feel a lot healthier and better. I've lost a few pounds already only after a couple days. My body feels like it's going through some sort of detox from all the sugar I've been ingesting all these years. I have withdrawals and crave the sugary rush but when I actually have a little bit of soda I find that I'm not satisfied by it anymore. Ain't that a bitch? That sudden realization that I was drinking too many calories and in fact not overeating all the time that contributed to my weight. That hit me like a lightning bolt.  

I'll probably have to cancel my weekly jazz jam session, unfortunately. I haven't had as much time for music as a result. I haven't even been listening to as much music either. Oh well, things happen. I haven't done the open mic sessions for two months now. Sometimes I think about giving it up for good. I've done it for about two years straight and I would say that it's run its course. Thankfully, I got a lot of great recordings out of it that you can hear on my Soundcloud. 

In terms of reading and improving the mind, that's been my number one goal. Today, I'm going to go through some Jack Reacher short stories before work. Within the last couple weeks, I've read Against Interpretation by Susan Sontag, Tractatus Logico Philosophicus by Wittgenstein, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert Pirsig, and now I'm halfway through The Outsider by Colin Wilson. I've been reading a lot in my living room on the couch, but I also read a lot at Starbucks, where although it's noisy [damn indie rock music], it gives me an opportunity to get out of the house. I really love the coffee there as well. 

I've been thinking a lot about writing [thinking about writing a second novel, I finished my first one a while ago] but haven't had the time to really do much writing on my usual subjects: literary criticism/synopsis, my main and favorite subject the last couple of years. I'm sure I'll get back to it, in due time. I really want to write a review for Colin Greenland's space opera from 1990, Take Back Plenty. Now that is a true science fiction gem. However, as you can see from the recent posts I've been writing, just not about books. Not a lot but I'm keeping a flow, a gestalt if you will. Lately, I've been writing posts like these, going into my thoughts, my meager life [lol]. This goes with all the books I've been reading, as they've influenced me in my life heavily, more so than my friends and colleagues. So when you see me writing about the dialectics of the modern proletariat [a recent post] that is definitely an influence from philosophy and extended readings. 

Lastly, I want to say that reading doesn't just help with my writing but also with my social interactions. I always experience status inconsistency wherever I go but I've also learned that when you get to the heart of the matter and really use all your social skills to max capacity, you will end up having more friends than enemies. 

Have an excellent end of October weekend. Happy Halloween! Free candy for everyone! 

Dialectics of a modern proletariat

Here we get to the crux of the matter that I was trying to get into in the last post, entitled Black Metal October, the dialectics of a modern proletariat. Oh boy...here we go. 

Clearly, I haven't read enough Marx and Engels, or Hegel to truly discourse on said subject, so instead I'll do a write up on my personal views towards the matter. 

Work is a wonderful thing. In moderation. Even when you're too entrenched for free time sometimes. I've been in the working world for some thirteen years now. It's had its ups and downs, but mostly its been the same since day one when I was nineteen years old in Wisconsin. "Same shit, different day," as the snarky co-workers like to say.  Touche.

The thing about work is that when you consider that you're going to the same place every day and working for money, that is actually a purpose-driven life [john grisham], in and of itself. That alone is satisfying enough for most people to even consider their job their actual status in life. "I'm a banker." "I'm a doctor." "I'm a cashier." "I'm a warehouse worker." And they would never even question trying to be/label themselves as something else like a guitar player [my own personal circumstance], or a writer [me again], or a painter, comedian, actor, gamer, wife, husband, girlfriend, boyfriend, mechanic, etc.  

The hardest thing about work [for me] isn't the work in and of itself. I've worked hard for thirteen years straight with only six months off. I've only been unemployed for six months since I was nineteen. Anyways, the hardest thing for me is keeping a good attitude on the job. It's always a good attitude thing on the job, as opposed to when you're off the job, because when you're off the job who gives a shit, right? 

So the question then becomes how do you stay positive in a working experience? I'm not quite sure there's any real answer to this. For me it always goes back to myself, my own inner mind, my mind's eye if you will [happy Halloween!]. As you can tell, I'm a pretty down to earth guy who's been around the block, seen some shit, met a lot of interesting 'characters', if you will. But again, it always stems back to personal experience. How do you stay happy when you're working all the time? 

The truth is I'm not really sure. But I have some basic ideas. You have to enjoy all your free time away from work to the max, 100% overload. Work hard, but play much, much harder, so hard that if people from work chilled with you outside of work they'd have no idea of the 'real' you, you're ultimate persona [don't ask, its a California thing]. 

So for me, this would include hanging out with friends, guitar playing, music listening, writing, and reading a lot, performing at open mics. If I skimp on these other things for whatever reason I can't be chipper at work, it just will not work. Why not? Who knows, I'm not a psychologist, I'm more of a philosopher, an avid amateur one at that. 

The other side of the work coin that we haven't spoken of is one of metaphysics. Because you are working at whatever job it is that you do, you are fulfilling a job that is key in the universe, you are taking a position that is important whether you know it or not. Phillip K Dick has a novel where this guy is doing crossword puzzles [or something of that nature] and without his knowledge, because of the fact that he is doing these puzzles, the government is taking his answers and using them as coordinates to help stop an alien invasion. Talk about a great concept. Consider this. Because you are doing whatever it is that you are doing in your life, you are filling a void that is missing in the universe. When you leave, that void goes unfilled and could potentially cause disorder, decay, maybe even chaos. You're actually important even if you're a pencil pusher. How about that? 

Struggle and internal contradiction

Oh, that magic feeling...

Lately, I've been writing a lot of op-ed sort of blogs about life, my ideas, philosophy, my particular thought processes as of late, autumn 2019. Here's one for you: struggle and internal contradiction. 

A lot of my posts have been sort of feel-good type of things [you need to push yourself, keep going, don't quit, etc], and some of it has been sort of depressing to write about, yet also uplifting in a philosophical way, zen-like. 

There were some continuous themes. Getting older. Changes that weren't necessarily good or bad. But seem bad. Work getting harder, more physical. Being more tired. How do deal with all of this? Keeping your mindset strong rather than just positive.  Or strong and positive.

The thing about all that is that there are struggles and contradictions with regard to all of that. You have to be young to become old. If things didn't change you couldn't appreciate how good things really are/were. For work to become more difficult means you'd have to have had a much easier time at some point in the past. You have to have been full of energy [younger] before you realize you're getting more and more easily tired [older]. 

I might write/say/think one thing and yet may not completely mean it at that moment when proclaiming it. Does that mean that I really mean it? This goes into the analytical side of thought. [which is my true aim out of all these vlog type posts]  To question everything, even yourself.

Consider this: I've been more and more easily tired at work for no particular reason in particular. I was dead half my shift. Dead, as in not very responsive, overly tired, slow, prone to error. Yet, half-way through my shift today I came back from lunch and my attitude was completely changed. I was in the best mood I've ever been in at work. It manifested as me smiling a lot, laughing a lot with my co-workers, being very engaging with every customer. How does something like that happen? And how do you keep such an enlightened state going the next day, month, years, a lifetime? 

The answer could be whatever you make of it. Something just hit me, a pierce in the veil. Sitting under the bodhi tree. Could've been a result of a good lunch. Or a good reading session on said lunch. Realization of something that wasn't thought about consciously or self-consciously. Many things, one thing, or nothing at all. It's important to remember moments like these. It feels good and it was memorable work experience. I think even my co-workers noticed and reacted in kind. It was fun. Cheery. Jovial even. What do you do with this sort of realization? Anything or nothing at all I suppose. This goes to show [character] that a lot of our internal struggles and contradiction could, in fact, be something we can overcome, somehow, in our own way, on our own time, in our own condition. Perhaps I will meditate more. Ruminate on peace and love in the universe. Namaste.

Nowhere to go...

The End

And in the end...

A lot of times I think about the present and think about how it is the end. The end of what? The end of various things, from trivial matters to big, important matters. The end of a jam session, hard day of retail, a day off, a day, a year, a decade, twenty years, thirty years. A life.

I was pretty sad the other day when I found out that Ginger Baker, drummer for Cream, the second rock supergroup after the Beatles had died. He was eighty years old. He lived a full life. Yet it still got to me. Ginger has always been my favorite rock and roll drummer. Before he was in Cream, he played jazz and blues gigs with Jack Bruce. I've seen him on video playing very good straight-ahead jazz drumming styles, something akin to Elvin Jones, Buddy Rich, and Art Blakey, the best of the best in the genre. 

Ginger's death made me think of a lot of other things that have come to an end. My best friend at work got transferred to another store, a promotion for him. We still hang out but a lot less often because his work is a lot farther, and his hours have changed. On top of that, a very good friend of mine seems to be too busy to hang out. The solitude of my home life has been removed due to a new housemate. My attitude about playing open mics has changed. Sometimes I'm just not feeling it and end up not going after practicing said songs to be performed. What's the deal? 

Sometimes I even go to the extremes of going through all my intellectual reading pursuits, discussing it with people in public, and with friends, and think to myself, "What's the point? Will anyone ever care about Littgenstein's Brown and Blue Books? Heidegger's Being and Time? Descartes? The Tale of Genji? A Distant Mirror? Floating Worlds?" The obvious answer is that it might not matter if they don't care because I care, that's the only thing that matters in a sense. Of course I don't mean this in selfish way, rather, so many people are so intellectually bankrupt they wouldn't care to discuss philosophy or literature. But that's subject for another discourse. 

Things change. People change. We have to keep on going, moving on, keep on grooving. The road we travel is a solo path even if you have a wife or girlfriend. Friends are great company but I've found that most of my friends, who are mostly younger than me, are a lot more arrested than myself, meaning, that most of our hangouts consist of me babysitting in a way. It's a sad realization. At first it was, a farce, now tis but a tragicomedy. That's a Marx quote, one of my favorites. 

Now we get to the crux of the matter. Everything you love will be gone one day. Enjoy everything you can and live with no regrets. Even just living life one year ago with the different dynamics is something I miss dearly.

Everything changes but in the end the song remains the same.

Gestalt

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about art, music, history, ideas, philosophy, zen, and the like. Almost a year ago I came upon the sudden realization that my focus was attenuated by my own distractions, resulting in poor work service and social skills among my friends and peers. Thankfully, I've been working on all that and things have been going swimmingly. You could even say people love me, even people who aren't my family or apart of my immediate friendship circle. I'm ready for the Orlando Fanclub LOL. 

In all seriousness, what I am truly talking about here is thinking processes on a metaphysical level. Gestalt actually. This is a German word for shape or form, and its the idea that systems and their properties should be viewed as a whole, not as loose collections of parts.

What really got me going with this was reading Heidegger's Being and Time, a book so immensely prolix that I'm not quite sure anybody who's read it quite understands it, or definitely doesn't understand all of it, but perhaps portions, or segments of it. Being and Time got me thinking about life metaphysically. What is life, what is being, what is time, what does it mean to be apart of the worldhood of the world? Etc. 

I've thought about these things as part of Heidegger's thought processes but that is too complicated to go into here [blog in the future incoming on that book], so rather I'll focus on what I think about these ideas. 

Life is the optimal persona [don't ask, its a California thing] of the soul, of a person, place, or thing. Being is the consciousness, so to speak, the thing that makes it a life plus everything else. This includes personality, physical, and mental traits of the person, and the way they make their thoughts process. Time is the standard measurement of life. To be apart of the worldhood of the world means to be a willing participant in the game of life, to want to be apart of social conventions. This includes work, friendship, family obligations, girlfriend, wife, kids, etc. Plato has different variations on these ideas, as does Heidegger.

My own thoughts on these ideas are simple, they're still valid still fair game. My thoughts on Being, or as Heidegger calls it, Dasein, has brought me to a new idea, a new way of thinking, thought processes. Basically, you don't have to think about your thoughts as being apart from each other. Rather, you can look at it as one entity. All your ideas could be thought of as one spontaneous act. Cycles of reality if you will. Your whole entire day could be thought of as one smooth motion rather than many different acts within 24 hours. That sort of thing. Frank Zappa had a word for this that I've since forgotten. But basically, he thought of all his recorded body of work, music, as one entity, rather than as individual albums or single inspirational moments. I'm thinking about daily ideas, activity, and thought processes in a similar way. 

This could also correlate to activities. You could do many things throughout the day with many different people, see a lot of places, do many things, and at the end of the day, you can look at it all as one activity, one single act of motion. 

I think about all this as cycles of reality, an idea I got ironically from a jazz song, from a modern jazz muso from New York, a drummer whose name I've forgotten. For me its a way of thinking in a more meta way, thoughts are more cohesive rather than random and disorganized. This isn't to say that all your ideas are related, rather when you think in this vast linear fashion, the worldhood of the world changes a bit, not it in itself, but rather the way you fit inside of it. It can come in handy sometimes when boredom is so ready at hand in the humdrum of everyday life. It connects everything together, you're more alert, so you don't look up and go, either in your mind or speaking to another person, "what?" 

What can I say? These Germans have me thinking metaphysically. 

Summer's [almost] gone

Summer's [almost] gone. We are in the midst of autumn. My favorite season of the four seasons, Vivaldi style. Obviously, I enjoy Fall because of my father and my own birthday, which just past on September 25th. But there are other reasons why I love Fall. 

Fall is the season of change. New beginnings. The same old humdrum routine feels different somehow even though I've already been here before, maybe even a thousand times, metaphorically speaking, of course. I'm working in a similar job that I've always worked at during Fall. The same old things remind me of old memories and experiences even though everything is slightly different. Variations on deja vu, if you will. 

I remember lots of things from Wisconsin and my last visit to Chicago two years ago. The leaves in the midwestern streets, thousands of them, littered all over, sometimes burnt in firepits, but most of the time just swept into the streets, for cars to pass them by, and shuffled into the air. The variations of colours on the leaves vary from bright, dark oranges, to reds, to browns, to dirty black. The crisp cold California air that comes in October and November. Skateboarding home from school in 70-degree temperatures to the Wisco house. 

The more I remember the more I think and ruminate on all of it. It's a work of beauty, majesterial. I'm older, different, but still slightly the same, the song remains the same. 

In terms of business its the beginning of the holiday season, which means sales, sales, sales. I've learned to control my spending habits and not waste money frivolously so I'm already much more prepared for the holidays than I was any other year of my life. The big difference here is that I'm not a consumer anymore. I just buy clothes and food. I don't need any more guitars or video games. I don't need much of anything. There comes a time when a man realizes that he should only buy what he needs. A 21st-century schizoid man has what he doesn't need.

Work reminds me of other past work experiences. Different people remind me of other people I've worked with. The young girls always remind me of other girls. The guys too. California retail is a blessing because I used to have a much harder time getting to and working at places in Wisconsin. But there's definitely an air of "I've been here a thousand times before," every time that I clock into work, every time I talk to a co-worker, every time I talk to a customer, the feeling that never goes away, during the Fall.

Perhaps this is just the worldhood of the world. Either way, summer's gone. C'est la vie. 

An ode to my twenties

I just turned thirty years old on September 25, 2019. It's been a great life, full of peace, and love, and happiness, as Hendrix used to say. I feel like all the time spent in my twenties went to good use. I've really come into my own as a person, a man, a brother, a son, an employee, a friend. Thirty is the beginning of the next phase of life where I'll strive for success. And keep up the good stuff. However, I can't overlook the great soul searching that took thirty years. 

First of all, living in California under the tutelage of my stepfather has changed me a lot as a person. For the better. I started reading a lot of books and it turned out that I love reading. As a result of reading a lot, I've turned to writing a lot as well. As a matter of fact, I've been writing this blog for the last six years, how long I've been living out here in Cali. Not only did I take up the reading habit but I've also learned to look inwards towards myself, and become more soft-spoken, and develop an interior life away from my friends, work, and family, leading me to become more confident and more assertive.

My attitude about life has improved a lot. Work doesn't seem like a chore anymore. Rather, it is an interactive experience where I get to interact with the being, worldhood, of the world, something I picked up from Heidegger, from his philosophical opus, Being and Time. I've developed a zenlike attitude in most things. "There is neither praise nor blamed attached." 

Dad: This is all psychological but the older you get, the faster time goes. This goes without being said. It's a feeling, a dasein, if you will, [also from Heidegger, dasein, is related to "being there", "presence"] The feeling somehow kicked into overdrive over the last two days of being thirty. I've come to maturity. Not within the last two days. But over the last ten years. The sense of knowing that you don't have time to do everything you want to do in your day. Therefore, you eliminate all the unnecessary activities in your day, and you only do the things that really matter to you. For me, this would include guitar playing, keyboard playing, jamming with my saxophone playing friend, reading, writing, working, and the occasional hangout. I've figured out that I have no time for gaming really. It's just unrealistic to fit gaming into 24 hours when there are so many other more important, worthy pursuits, such as music, reading, and writing. 

My advice for youngsters: Find what you love and focus on that. Eliminate all frivolous activity. Chill with friends and make as many friends as possible. But in the end, you might find out that your friends need you more than you need them. Find solace in solitude and seek/contemplate/ruminate on silence and inner being. Read what interests you to get you into reading, then start reading everything you can: including the Western canon, philosophy, fiction, nonfiction, history, music, art, etc. Learn as much as you can. Be more patient than everyone you know. Make every interaction a good experience. On all of your bad days remember that there is still peace and love in the universe no matter how bad you have it.

An ode to my twenties. 

The initmitable competitive gaming spirit: 3 years later

Greetings! This is a post about competitive gaming. I used to write a lot of posts about PC games, even going to the excruciating details of Blizzard Tuesdays patch updates. It's been a while since I've written anything like that so I figured I'd do an update from when I wrote about this stuff back in 2016. 

I've been a competitive PC gamer since 2010 when Starcraft 2 Wings of Liberty came out. I was so addicted I used to play team matches with my college classmate in the middle of class. We were a great Terran/Zerg combo. However, I also played a lot of Smash Bros Melee against all my friends in middle school, Halo 3 multiplayer in high school, and a lot of Starcraft Brood War [also middle school]. 

I was also really into single player jrpgs since grade school. To this day some of my favorite gaming moments have been from playing Xenogears, Final Fantasy 7, and Final Fantasy Tactics. 

Anyways, I'm still a big gamer today. Last Thursday I was at my first Smash Ultimate tournament at Fire and Dice [local hobby shop] and I did pretty well for my first tournament. I beat a really good Lucina player in bracket and did pretty well [but still lost] against two other players. It was a good exhibition for me and my friend Neal, a Yoshi player. I played Samus and Dark Samus most of the time but I did two matches [where I almost won both] as Fox. 

I still play some of the old games I used to play three years ago. I've found that I'm not only much better at them, but that I'm getting better and better each day, exponentially. It was a very slow, gradual change that took me three years.

Part of it was that in the past I didn't have as much confidence. Also, I didn't have the right mindset. I would go into a competitive game with the mindset that I just want to have fun and losing didn't matter. Now I go in with the mindset that I will have fun AND win. That's a huge difference. 

When I play certain games like Ovewatch and Team Fortress 2 [my personal favorite fps games of all time] there's actually a lot going on in my head, especially as I play the healer role most of the time. 250 of my 600 hours on Overwatch are on Mercy, the best healer in the game. And 65 out of my 200 hours on Team Fortress are on medic, the only healer in the game. 

Anyways, there's a lot going on in my head when I play. In every given scenario I'm running subroutines in my head: If I follow this person will that lead to a successful frag? If we're outnumbered and my allies die fast and I fall back and let my teammates die will I be able to live and regroup with them out of spawn before the enemies kill me? If I take out the syringe gun and shoot down an enemy soldier/scout/demo/pyro/spy will I be able to live/run away back to safety? Its endless really.

Its like a puzzle. There are endless variations of what could really happen. You could play the perfect game and your team can still lose because of your allies' inefficiencies. The main reason why I lose certain Team Fortress games [I always play Control Point] is because my allies will run in fast, get killed, and get backcapped [killed as they run to the point out of spawn] before I can get to them. That's a very common way to lose a game in Team Fortress. Probably the most common. 

These same 'subroutines' apply to fighting games. I recently became friends with a guy I met through work that plays a lot of fighting games. And he's very good at all of them. He was surprised as heck and applauded me when I was able to figure out how to play all these technical fighting games and after 2 matches where he'd win, I had figured it out and starting defeating him in loops. The reason I was able to figure it out is because I'm playing with this same logical thought processes. 

It takes a lot of practice to get to the point where you don't have to run through the endless variations/variables. Anything can happen really. But then again if you can make what you want happen and it comes to pass, that is where the power of the smart, thoughtful gamer comes in place. 

It took me a while to understand games. For the longest time I just played games to relive stress. But at some point I realized I wanted to be great and 'git gud' [Kranky's advice] at every game I would ever pick up. Although I'm no e-sports champion I would say that I'm a damn good gamer at the games I play: Heroes of the Storm, Starcraft, Overwatch, Team Fortress, Smash Bros, and Marvel Vs Capcom 2. I've even gotten to the point where I see single player games as extremely relaxing and enjoyable. Its good to find out that you don't need to always have that competitive mindset to have a great time. 

Gamers take their gaming very seriously. You're always going to run into those toxic people that will talk shit about your gameplay and hurl insults/slurs, harassing people, etc. You might even become one of those people during some of your matches. The thing you gotta realize is that even when you're so good you're at the point where most people you play against/with are scrubs, in the end its all just a game. If you can't understand that then you should stick to the single player arena. Rage will only hurt your gameplay and your mindset. To be a winner you have to think like a winner. 

"Experience transcendence." 

Original post from 2016 here: https://ofigueroamusic.blogspot.com/2016/07/the-inimitable-competitive-gaming-spirit.html

Spring Can Really Hang You Up The Most

It's been a while since I wrote something like this. Psychology, self-help, vlog-style, that kind of thing. Spring is here in 2019, life is moving by fast. In California, there's only really spring and summer. The weather doesn't change much except in summer when it gets super hot. This makes for a continuous summer year round. This is why people like living here. However, it makes time move by uber fast. The last six years were a blur. So it goes.  

I've been focusing on playing a lot of guitar, shedding [jazz musician slang for improving my chops], working, and playing with my friend Jason, an excellent alto saxophonist. I've also been reading a lot of books. And by a lot, I mean a lot. Sometimes I can finish a book in two or three days if I marathon the book. Other times I take it slow. I've even been working out too, trying to shed some pounds. Somebody could come along and say, "Why are you wasting time reading books and playing music? If you go to college you could end up making more money in the future." 

That's always fair. The one thing that they don't realize is that everything you do could and will help you at some point. You just don't know when or how. This is why you have to believe. Believe in your own willpower, karma, God, yourself, whatever. When you stop believing in yourself you start to underestimate yourself. All those books and music have helped me to develop an interior life away from my family, friends, and work associates. I have my own world to seek refuge in. Video games do this as well but not nearly as well because video games are tainted by online experiences with people who may and will abuse the multiplayer experience [if said game is multiplayer]. 

Where does that leave me? Well, there are good days and there are bad days. Hopefully, there are more good days than bad days. I think every millennial is in crisis in a way right now, rich or not. The problem is that wages are stagnant, rent is increasing, and companies just don't need as many people as before. People just aren't needed as much these days. More and more things are becoming automated. It's cheaper for companies to have a small workforce with a high turnover. 

I've been in the retail trade for ten years now. I started working at Sentry's food store in Wisconsin back when I was eighteen and I've been working ever since in mostly grocery stores. There's not much of a future in the grocery business but it's still the best job I've ever had and I'm still making enough to get by most of the time. Where do I go from here?

For millennials in general I think there's a much bigger issue than my own personal one. The legislative and executive branches of government are at war with each other. There's no leadership, on either side. Nancy Pelosi and Biden represent the old school Democrat but the fresh younger Democrats say its time for a change that doesn't include them. The Republicans are complete idiots, perhaps even evil. They'll say anything as long as they stay in power. There's no winning really. And will there ever be? Starless and Bible Black, as that King Crimson record was called.

Not only that but a lot of millennials don't even seem to care. They prefer to drift off into a life of entertainment and leisure. Can you blame them? Their entire world is crashing and burning around them, and all they care to talk about is End Game and Game of Thrones. It's no wonder America is in decline. No future indeed as Johnny Rotten sang in the Sex Pistols. 

I could go back to college, rack up 40k of debt and get a better job and career in 4 years. But will that really make me happy? I'd rather keep playing the guitar, reading books, running, and see where life takes me. It's risky not going to college but I'm not really the college type. I'm a hipster jazz and rock guitarist. Guitar players don't need to go to college. Just ask Jimmy Page or Jimi Hendrix. 

Spring can really hang you up the most. It's such a beautiful seasonal change. But when things aren't going that great, and don't appear to be improving anytime soon, things get pretty bleak. Like a black metal record. Except I actually enjoy that. Times like these call for fortitude. You gotta believe in whatever it is that you believe in and push through, into the beyond, rather than into the void. Don't underestimate yourself. Everything you do has an aftereffect, aftershocks of karma, zen, and transcendence. 

I was feeling kind of blue before I wrote this but then I realized that writing really helps me to overcome my negative thoughts and emotions. This is why I'm such an active writer, writing nonstop for seven years now. I've been working on a memoir about my life which is currently 75 pages long. I look forward to continuing to work on it and finishing it sometime in the immediate future. If you think you had a bad day, a bad year, a bad decade, don't worry, you're not alone. We're all in this together, in this one universe. 

[title inspired by saxophonist Melissa Aldana https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gsD0H9MCQ1U]

How are you doing?

Time for a vlog style blog post, spring 2019 style. I like to write these every now and then, talk about real life, as opposed to sharing memes, tweets, and Facebook posts via social media. That stuff is so blah.

First off, I quit soda and energy drinks cold turkey. I've noticed a big difference in my stamina and stress levels. In addition, I'm starting to lose weight again, albeit very slowly, about a pound or two a day. At this rate, I'll lose twenty pounds in twenty days. This might be the way I lose weight and keep it off forever, in shallah. [as the Muslims say] 

I really needed to do something drastic because I don't want to get diabetes. I was drinking soda and energy drinks every day at work. I'm glad I'm not buying and drinking that crap anymore. 

My body is detoxing. My stress levels are down and my stamina is up. I still get tired after one am shifts at the job, however, without the sugar chemicals messing with my system, I don't get as tired as I used to. It's quite a change. 

Speaking of changes, I've been taking things slower with my reading. I'm spending more time reading the news during the day before work and reading physical books at night before bed. I'm letting all the readings ruminate more. Rather than say, reading a book in three days and then starting another one on the same day. I'm guilty of that. 

I'm also guilty of being completely obsessed with classical music. I've always liked it but now its pretty much my favorite thing to listen to. Saying since most modern straight-ahead jazz is pretty clean cut, not many interesting things going on, I mostly listen to classical music, usually while reading. 

My favorites lately have been baroque composers within the last couple months-Bach in particular right now. Coincidentally it was his birthday the other day. I'm getting into piano prodigy Glen Gould's Bach interpretations. I've also been listening to Handel, Telemann, Vivaldi, Mozart, Chopin, Corelli, Marcello, there are tons of composers from 1600-1700s that display beautiful music, composed of functional harmony. I've become a huge fan of harpsichord and clavichord. So much to the point that I'm planning on playing keyboard more seriously and possibly having my dad put together our harpsichord one day [yes I have a harpsichord]. I have the time, I just need to put in the effort. "Or so it goes."

Work is work and I'm glad to get the hours. My jazz trio is coming along nicely, although I need a bass player asap to complete the sound I want, a chamber jazz sort of sound, with bass playing the role of percussion. The plan is still to record at a studio [and release an album on bandcamp], and apparently, the saxophonist can get us free recording time at the studio because he's done session work for the studio, ie they owe him. I'm still working on my memoir, and I've got thirty-four pages to work with so far. I'm at a crossroads with the text at this point, but I'm getting ideas on how to make it flow more thematically now that I've covered all the facts, exposition and lots of dialogue between characters. Lastly, I've been doing well making new friends, of the female variety. As that Ramones song goes, "I don't wanna be a pinhead no more, I just met a nurse that I can go for." 

April will bring hot temperatures and soon summer will be among us Californians. Bring on the one-hundred-degree heat. I love it when its over one-hundred degrees in the Valley.

Not! 

April Fools     :D 

Working for Something

Just read a short blog post that inspired me to write another vlog style motivational post. What are you working for? Most of us have jobs so that we can spend our free time doing the things we want. Leisure and all that jazz. However, because we only have one life we have to make use of our free time wisely. 

For example, I stopped playing video games hardcore and now I have a lot more free time for reading books-news-articles, listening to music,  playing guitar, and hanging out with my friends. I stopped hanging out with my friends more than three times a week because I realized that we need more space and time between us. Absence makes the heart fonder.

At the end of my workday [1 AM shift, been on this schedule for 6 years now], all I really have time or energy for is to read books, write, and possibly play guitar [I need to play more, but that's another post]. I wouldn't even have the energy to stay up all night to play video games because I'm already staying up half the night ending my work shift, and then reading until I crash and fall asleep. 

What am I working towards? Generally speaking, I'm working towards enjoying leisure reading as well as increasing my education through great books, weather they are science fiction, classics, philosophy, history, historical fiction, and poetry. I'm also working towards becoming a better writer. Lastly, I'm working towards increasing my musical chops, learning Sequenza by Berio, as well as learning more jazz standards. It's a lot. 

There are other goals I have that seem more difficult. Like finding a girlfriend. However, the goals I have now are things that I love and would be happy to keep working on 5-10 years from now. Most of my free time needs to be spent in gainful activity. I have an addictive personality and I'm wired most of the time. Once I start something, I really get into it, mastering every bit and piece of it, until I can call myself some kind of master, even if not a 'true' master of said art. I've been doing this with the guitar, with reading novels and trying to with writing. 

I've got to keep pushing myself. You've only got one life to live. If you work hard to get just a little slice of heaven, then you need to make sure every visit is worth it when you get to the Gate. 

Dragon Ball Super Broly

The new Dragon Ball Z Super Broly movie was pretty cool. It became the best selling anime movie on opening weekend. Although I thought the movie was 'good', I didn't think it was great. However, I don't think one should go to an anime movie expecting something to be great, or for it to change your life. You go in, sit down, suspend your systems of belief for an hour or two, and then move on with your life. I'll explain my problems with the movie as well as what made it good. 

First of all, Broly's origin story in this movie is bare bones basic (b-b-b, anyone?). In the original movies they didn't even try to give him a story, which I almost respect more. Instead they explain how when Goku was a baby, Broly was trying to sleep in his Sayian tank, and Goku kept waking him up with all his whining.Then at some point he broke free, and tried to whoop Kakkarot's (Goku) ass. Pretty simplistic, but it worked well.

Here, we have Broly as a vengeance story. Broly is a baby in his tank and King Vegeta sends the baby off-world because he's seen to have such incredible power, that he might destroy the planet and everyone on it! (surprise, surprise, Frieza ends up doing that anyway) Anyways, Perigues, Broly's father ends up high-jacking a ship to Broly's destination. Once there, he grows up with his son on a desolate planet where everything's trying to kill them. 

Fast forward to Super's time period and all of a sudden Frieza's henchmen (not really lackeys, just peeps doing their jobs as Freiza Force members) find Broly and Perigues on said remote planet. They take them to Frieza, who is in awe of finding more live Sayians. His plan, to pit Broly against Goku. 

Vegeta goes up to bat first. At first Vegeta is beating on Broly pretty hard, even just in base form. Then he realizes that Broly is learning how to fight better the longer the first continues, like a true Sayian warrior! Eventually Vegeta has to keep powering up from Sayian 1-2-blue-god form and every time Broly goes down he keeps getting back up. Eventually Vegeta can't take him on anymore. The power within Broly is immeasurable! 

Next, Goku steps up to fight. Its a brutal battle. In fact, Goku gets thrashed around like a rag doll, screaming in agony, which prompted this writer's laughter in the theater. Super Sayian God form isn't enough to take down Broly, who again and again, keeps getting back up, and powering up even more and more!

Goku talks to Piccolo and they come up with a plan. The only way they can defeat Broly is if they do the fusion dance (embarrassing for Vegeta, a Prince), and become Gogeta! (Gogeta is canon now) Once they combine to become Gogeta, they fight Broly in an epic splatter of cartoon pixels and animation. (the best part of the film) 

Before Gogeta can really do bodily harm or dare I say it, [KILL] Broly, the Frieza Force henchmen steal the dragon balls from Freiza's other henchmen and they make a wish. You see, one of them was a girl that really felt sympathy for Broly, and she even stole and broke Perigues' super strong shock collar that he put on Broly, thus the reason why Broly kept powering up more and more, and he (Perigues) had to just let Broly go on like that. 

Anyways, so the girl wishes Broly to be put back on his faraway planet, away from Gogeta, right before a super strong energy blast is shot at him! This shows you that most fights in Dragon Ball are for the ultimate costs and also for no costs at all. (the true lesson of Dragon Ball) Goku ends up using instant transmission to go to Broly and his two new friends (former Frieza henchmen who saved him), gives them a house capsule, food, and says he will come back to train Broly himself. 

One last thing I'll say is that Broly himself is a simpleton. Although the old Broly movies he was even more of a barbarian who couldn't even speak sentences, here he is still simple minded, like a child. His only friend on the planet was a giant monster that tried to kill him, a play for sympathy that works on the audience. I like the idea of Broly being canon, although I don't think his backstory is very interesting. 

One minor complaint I have about the movie is that the English voice acting isn't as exciting to me, nor did I think it was all that great. Give me Japanese subtitles for any anime or anime movie. I don't mind the reading, plus I think the emotional gravitas (or lack there of) is much easier to accomplish in the native language of the artists themselves.

The animation in this movie is some of the best Dragon Ball I've ever seen, especially in a movie theater where you can really see all the pixels flashing across the screen more easily. Early Super animation wasn't very good but now they've got it down to a t. I'm definitely going to watch this movie again in Japanese and see if I like it any better. 

"We are Gogeta." 

Existential millennial crisis

This funny term came to my mind today when I was thinking about all of my friends. Existential millennial crisis. My friends are all in their mid to late 20's and life could be better for all of us. That being said, all of them seem to think that there's more to life, and "I want it. I want more. I want more out of this life. And I'm going to get it. Here's how." And then they proceed to tell me all these plans and solutions to said problem: How do I stay happy and get more out of life? 

There are no easy solutions to this. Its something I struggle with everyday. Part of it is a huge mental leap in positivity that cannot be broken by anything or anyone. This can be impossible for some people who aren't tough enough. You just have to have a tough mental attitude. But the answer for most of them seems to be this: "I'm stuck in a rut in LA. I have to get out of here and have a fresh start somewhere else." 

To that I say that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. If you can't make it in LA and be happy what makes you think anywhere else would make you happier? LA and the Valley is a very happy place with all kinds of people doing all manners of occupations. Living in California has been the happiest years in my life. Moving away isn't going to solve all their problems. Having to find a new job might be rough. Leaving your friends and family will be even tougher. 

I would say it would be better to solve the problem before you jump ship. Fight or flight isn't always the best response, especially when it comes to a millennial existential crisis. This seems to be a huge problem for all my friends right now. I actually feel for them because I don't seem to have these kinds of issues or plans, to run away and start anew. 

Two other friends are in a bad spot as well. One of them is getting kicked out by his landlord by the end of the month and instead of finding room mates right away he's sitting around with his thumb up his ass. He's trusting in God and not worrying about it, but in reality this is something he should be worried about and working on to solve. 

Another friend had the option to live with his father but doing so would mean that he wouldn't be able to play computer games 12 hours a day (he's a gaming addict, a very good gamer). I told him he should live with his dad and stop gaming so much, develop other hobbies such as reading (always my advice to all my friends), but in the end he chose the option where he could play games 12 hours a day. He now lives in a small apartment and shares a room with a 45 year-old man. Sounds just great right? No. In reality he's not feeling the situation, and he probably realized that he made a bad decision. Oh well. That's life. 

I've been thinking about all of this stuff and then thought about my own life. Of course, I'm not making a million dollars nor do I have a girl friend but there's more to life than that, and that's happiness. The one thing I have that they don't is that I'm happy where I'm at in life. This doesn't mean that I'm not going to try to do better, get a better job, perhaps go back to school, find a girl friend, etc. It means that I'm not going to run away from my problems related to my current situation. Instead, I'm going to tough it out and fix things here, where I can think clearly about my state.

You have to figure out your problems and work to fix them without running. Life is a complex shismatrix, it takes a lot of time and energy to figure out how to read between the lines. We live in the best state in the country, with the best weather, with more jobs than most states. Life is good here in the Valley, and I like it here. If you aren't happy and can't be satisfied here then you won't be satisfied anywhere. 

You might think I'm overthinking all of this but actually all this dialogue is helping me to process my friends' emotions as well as my own. Life is tough. Stick with it, don't give up. Strive for better. Persevere. But do it effectively. Don't run, don't go off on your own into the wild blue nether. You might not be as happy as you once were.

Be Tough-Minded In 2019

This is a continuation of my previous post (view here), it was about staying motivated in 2019. Here I'd like to continue that discourse, shifting the motivational stuff to how being more tough-minded helps you achieve your goals. Being tough-minded is difficult and most people aren't naturally this way. However, its a useful skill in the long run that will help you throughout your life.

1) You have to manage your emotions. This goes without saying to most people, especially old people who are much more experienced and evolved, they are true masters of mastering their emotions. When things don't go your way you shouldn't throw a tantrum. Realize that although life is difficult, sometimes you have to suffer a little bit before you can get to the good stuff. When I see co-workers and customers yelling at each other at my work I often think about how these people will never be able to do or accomplish complex things, only just because they can't control their emotions (the price said this and its not ringing up right! fix it while I scream!), and they don't have the patience. Its a shame.

2) Be self-confident. Goes without saying but again, super difficult. Most people aren't born naturally confident. Its a learned skill, especially for me. Even though I'm probably smarter than most of all the people that come to my work (including adults), I'm usually quiet and reserved, to the point that some people even say I need more confidence. Go figure. 

3) Choose who you associate with wisely. I've actually come to the sudden realization that although I love hanging out with my friends, I hang out with them too much. The solution was to spend more time by myself reading, writing, and playing guitar. Absence makes the heart fonder. Also, make sure to avoid sketchy people. Some people aren't worth the time or the effort, especially if they bring you down. 

4) Face your fears and take action. Sometimes you gotta man up and take action. Not feeling work? Ask for some time off. Need to lose weight? Work out more. Want a girl friend? Start asking out girls. Sometimes we think we have all these problems and we dwell over them, but forget about how easy the solutions are. Nike, Just Do It.  

5) Say no when you have to. Tired of your boss calling you in early everyday? Learn to say no. Learn to establish the narrative on your own terms. Tired of helping your co-workers do their own job? Say no to them too. Saying no helps because it shows people that you're not a pushover and shouldn't be approached with unreasonable demands. 

6) Be self-disciplined. You have to work hard to accomplish things. I read a lot of books and blog about them. This alone takes a lot of discipline. Most millennials don 't care much for novels but I'm trying to be a different breed. To be a great guitar player I have to keep practicing, even though I'm currently not playing with any band I still keep up my chops, learn new songs, and am always searching for band members. 

7) Be independent and don't compare yourself to others. You came into this world alone, and you will leave this world alone. That's a bit morbid but in a way its true. You have to learn how to be alone in order to be successful in social situations. In addition, don't compare yourself to others. Just because my friend Jon from high school is a much more successful musician doesn't mean that I should get depressed and dopey. No, instead I'm going to keep working on my chops and keep trying to form a band, and take it as far as it will go. 

Lastly, I'll end with a little story from the other night. I was texting my friend, a not-so-very-good drummer (who can't keep a beat), telling him that I've been getting tired of retail work and that I plan on taking more days off, even if it means I'll lose a little money. He said, "You should do it. You only get to live once and then you die." 

Keep that in mind. Don't let your dreams be memes.

2019 Motivation

Its two weeks into 2019 and like me, you've probably come to the sudden realization that life is tough, and that if you want to keep your new years resolution, and do more, and be better, and accomplish more in life its going to be a mother fucker. Life isn't easy, in fact its hard, and more often than not it sucks. "Life's a bitch and then you die," said the Chairman. This is my riff on Chairman Mao's "life is struggle and contradiction" quote, something my dad told me a few years ago.

I've been having these mini awakenings since 2019 started. 

I have to work out to lose weight. Daily.

I have to stop hanging out with my friends so often. Absence makes the heart fonder.

I have to spend more time by myself, and away from work to smell the roses. Money isn't everything. Money can't buy you love.

I have to work on music more, record more, learn how to use Ableton software to make better drum tracks for my music, and finish learning Sequenza by Berio for classical guitar.

I need to write more and become a better writer. Which I've been working on a lot!

I should learn a new skill, like how I've been doing programming tutorials, just to see if I even like it at first.  

I need to quit and lose any bad habits I have currently.

These are all very difficult things to do. In fact, just for me to realize that if I wanted to achieve my goals, that I had to do all these things, it was pretty damn difficult to accept. There is a cost to everything. Time is an important factor. Energy. Emotion. Drive. Etc. 

So the next time you think about taking time off and away from your 2019 goals remember that life's a bitch and then you die. You might as well make life your bitch and then die on your own terms. 

Go for it. 

January Update--2019

January is here and the new year is already stale. The government is shut down, and 800,000 people are about to miss their first check. If the shutdown goes on past Saturday, it will the longest government shutdown ever. That aside, I've been staying busy. 

I started working out more, mostly cardio. Starting 3-4 times a week, but eventually pushing it to everyday, a mile a day. 

I got a Nintendo Switch, so I'll probably try to get back to going to Smash tournaments, just for fun. 

I've been writing up a storm. I wrote my second short story called  der Weltraumkriegder, a science fiction military story (here). And I'm still reading a lot of science fiction, philosophy (Adam Smith's Wealth of Nations), classics (Iliad), and modern day journalism (miscellaneous).

I'm also learning html, css, and javascript, mostly for fun but also to edit the blog and make it pop, and eventually learn a programming language like Visual Basic. I want to see if I like programming before I try to think I could be a full fledged game designer or something outlandish like that. 

Also still working on music, a lot of jazz and improvisation. But I've also been working on Sequenza for guitar by Lusciano Berio since October. I'm starting to finally get the hang of the piece, but it will still be a while before I could perform it anywhere. 

Life is good!